Muppets
An emergency cabinet meeting at Number 10 reportedly lasted six hours after someone accidentally unplugged the only remaining opinion poll showing Keir Starmer was popular (in the Falkland Islands). Witnesses say the prime minister attempted to restore order, but was drowned out by Animal shouting ‘EVERTHING IS FINE!’ while Beaker presented a 97-slide PowerPoint entirely made of panic noises. Kermit has allegedly been tasked with explaining why everything is actually going according to plan. Meanwhile, Downing Street insiders insist morale remains high. Miss Piggy is understood to have demanded three resignations before breakfast, Fozzie Bear is handling media strategy (‘Wocka wocka, Burnham is no good!), and Gonzo is in charge of revising the government's policy priorities (benefits, benefits, benefits). Officials deny claims the government is now being run entirely by the Muppets, although one aide was heard to admit: "In fairness to the Muppets, they usually rehearse fir...