Many Mansions

“In my Father's house are many mansions; if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you”.  

Protestant Heaven vs. Catholic Heaven

Gates of Heaven

Three men arrive at the gates of heaven. 

St. Peter asks the first man, "Religion?" 

The first man replies, "Catholic"

 

St. Peter looks down his list and says, "Go to room 24. But be very quiet as you pass room 8."

St. Peter asks the second man, "Religion."

 

The second man replies "Methodist."

 

St. Peter looks down his list and says, "Go to room 14. But be very quiet as you pass room 8."

St. Peter asks the third man,  "Religion."

 

The third man replies, "Episcopalian."

 

St. Peter looks down his list and says, "Go to room 21.But be very quiet as you pass room 8."

 

The third man then says to St. Peter, "I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must we be quiet when we pass room 8?"

 

St. Peter tells him, "Well the Baptists are in room 8, and they think they're the only ones here."

[The joke varies according to the denomination of the person posting it. For some "Room 8" is reserved for Eastern Orthodox or Catholics, for others Episcopalians, and for others Calvinists. 

Heavenly Vehicle 

Once there were three people, Charlie, Mason, and Buck, who were involved in a tragic car accident in which all three died.

As they stood at the gates of Heaven, St. Peter said to them, "You will all be given a method of transportation for your eternal use around Heaven. You will be judged on your past deeds, and will have your transport chosen accordingly."

St. Peter looked at Charlie and said, "You, Charlie, were a bad man. You cheated on your wife four times! For this, you will drive around Heaven in an old beat-up Dodge."

Next, St. Peter looked at Mason and said, "You were not so evil, but you still cheated on your wife two times. For this, you will forever travel around heaven in a Toyota station wagon."

St. Peter finally looked at Buck, and said, "You, Buck, have set a fine example. You did not have sex until after marriage, and you never cheated on your wife! For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari."

A short time later, Mason and Buck pulled up in their cars next to Buck's Ferrari, and there he is, sitting on the hood, head in hands, crying.

"What's wrong, Buck?" they asked. "You got a Ferrari! You're set forever! Why so down?"

Buck looked up, ever so slowly opened his mouth, and cried, "I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard."

A Young Earther in Heaven

A six-day creationist dies and finds himself standing in front of the gates of Heaven.

God Himself is there to greet him, and tells him He is happy to answer any questions the man might have - about anything across the entirety of Space and Time.

The man said: "Was I right? Was the earth literally created in 6 days?

God chuckles and says: "Of course not."

The man shakes his head in disbelief, troubled to his very core, and murmurs: "This heresy goes even higher than I thought..."

Men in Heaven

The Day of Judgment came, and all the people in the world who were worthy reached heaven, where the heavenly angels divided them into men and women.

The angel Gabriel ordered the men to stand in two rows. One would be all the men who had retained their strength in the relationship, and the other for men who had surrendered to their wives.

Meanwhile, the women were taken elsewhere, to pass their own test.

As soon as the women disappeared, most of the men immediately made their way to the first row of men who stood their ground, did not give in, and wore the “pants” in the house. But under the scrutiny and judgment of the angels, they slowly began to wander to the second line of the submissive men. So it went on for a long time until finally there were only three men left in the first row, while the second row lengthened and extended beyond the horizon.

Gabriel looked at this scene with a very disappointed look and turned to all the men: "You should be ashamed of yourself, you were created in the image of the Creator, and the woman was created from your bones, but you have allowed yourself to let her rule over you, only these three men are exceptional and I am sure they can teach you a thing or two."

Gabriel asked one of the three men, "How do you describe your relationships? How do you feel knowing you are one of the most special men in the world?"

"The truth?" answered the man, "I was lonely or stuck in unhappy relationships all my life, and now that we are here, my greatest regret is that I did not treat women better."

The angel hurried asked the other man how he described his relationships in life. "All my life I've gone from relationship to relationship, I've never found love and I've always wanted to change my ways and treat women better, now I can never do that ..." he said.

The somewhat Gabriel hurried asked the third man. "Please tell me, you seem quite satisfied and relaxed, what’s your secret, how did you manage to be the only man in the world who controls his relationship, that stands his ground, doesn’t give in to women, and still looks so sure of himself?"

The third man replied, "I'm sorry but I don’t have an answer for you. I'm just standing here because my wife told me to wait here and not move until she comes back ..."

Marriage in Heaven

A man spends all his life alone, finding no love. At age 96, he dies and goes to heaven. At the same time, a woman who has spent all her life alone, finding no love, dies at age 102, and goes to heaven.

As chance has it, they both meet at the Heavenly library, discovering they both have a deep love for books. They start talking and amazingly enough, after a lifetime of unhappiness, fall in love.

They go up to God and ask to be married.

God replies, "Give me some time, and I’ll get back to you. This is quite extraordinary."

Four years pass, and the couple wait patiently. God finally tells the man and woman that He can have them married.

A few centuries pass and the man and woman fall out of love. They approach God once more and this time they ask, sadly, for a divorce.

God responds: “It took me four years to find a priest in this place. How long do you think it’ll take me to find a lawyer?!”

St. Peter and the Politicians

St. Peter was standing at the Pearly Gates of Heaven when a caucus of politicians walked up.

 

"Hey Petey, may we come into Heaven?" asks one jovially.

 

St. Peter replies "Well, we have never had a group of politicians come in to heaven before, let me ask God."

 

He then consults with God. "My lord, there is a group of politicians at the pearly gates of Heaven. Should I let them in?"

 

God thinks for a moment and says "We have never had politicians in Heaven before. Let's see how it goes. Let them in."

 

St. Peter leaves God, only to come running back a few minutes later, exclaiming, "They’re gone!”

 

"The politicians?" God asks,

 

"No, the Gates; they believe in Open Borders!" St. Peter replies.  

Before God's Throne

 

A Jesuit, Franciscan and Dominican are driving to a theology conference and get into an accident and die and go to heaven.

Suddenly finding themselves at the pearly gates, they are nervous about meeting God to be judged. They are ushered by St. Peter into an ornate throne room and see God seated on his immense golden throne.

God looks down at the Franciscan and says, “Son of St. Francis, what do you believe?”

The Franciscan says, “I believe in your Son Jesus Christ and in serving him by helping the poor!”
And God says, “Welcome to heaven, Son of St. Francis.” 

And he enters heaven.

God looks at the Dominican and says, “Son of St. Dominic, what do you believe?”

The Dominican says, “I believe in your Son Jesus Christ and in the value of theology to help people discover him.”

And God says, “Welcome to heaven, Son of St. Dominic.” 

And he enters heaven.

Then from his great golden throne, God looks at the Jesuit and says, “Son of St. Ignatius, what do you believe?”

And the Jesuit looks up and says, “Uh…I believe you’re in my seat!”