Muppets

 

An emergency cabinet meeting at Number 10 reportedly lasted six hours after someone accidentally unplugged the only remaining opinion poll showing Keir Starmer was popular (in the Falkland Islands). Witnesses say the prime minister attempted to restore order, but was drowned out by Animal shouting ‘EVERTHING IS FINE!’ while Beaker presented a 97-slide PowerPoint entirely made of panic noises. Kermit has allegedly been tasked with explaining why everything is actually going according to plan.

Meanwhile, Downing Street insiders insist morale remains high. Miss Piggy is understood to have demanded three resignations before breakfast, Fozzie Bear is handling media strategy (‘Wocka wocka, Burnham is no good!), and Gonzo is in charge of revising the government's policy priorities (benefits, benefits, benefits). Officials deny claims the government is now being run entirely by the Muppets, although one aide was heard to admit: "In fairness to the Muppets, they usually rehearse first."

Stay tuned for further updates .... and if you have inside information, please share.

Update:

Attention has now turned to the inevitable Westminster sweepstake: Who Will Be the Next Labour Leader By Thursday Afternoon? Odds are shifting hourly, largely depending on which MP has most recently denied wanting the job “at this stage.”

According to bookmakers operating out of the Downing Street canteen, the current favourites are:

• Andy Burnham — 3/1
  Backed heavily after being spotted within 50 miles of a television camera. Supporters insist he offers “serious leadership,” although critics note he has already started every interview with: “I don’t want to speculate, but…”
• Angela Rayner — 4/1
  Said to be appealing to members who want “competence mixed with the energy of someone who’s just found out the group chat leaked.” Rumours that she entered the contest by kicking down the cabinet room door remain unconfirmed.
• Kermit the Frog — 10/1
  Viewed by some MPs as the only figure capable of calmly delivering catastrophic news while remaining broadly sympathetic. Reportedly preparing a keynote speech entitled It’s Not Easy Being Green… in the Polls.
• Miss Piggy — 12/1
  Running on a platform of “discipline, glamour, and immediate purges.” Shadow cabinet already reduced to two survivors and a lighting technician.

Party officials insist there is “absolutely no leadership contest underway,” despite several MPs reportedly practising resignation speeches in front of mirrors at Portcullis House. One aide described the atmosphere inside Westminster as “calm but proactive,” before immediately climbing out of a window carrying a box labelled Emergency Narrative Reset Plan B.

Meanwhile, Beaker has unveiled Labour’s new communications strategy, consisting entirely of standing behind journalists going “MEEP MEEP MEEP” whenever economic figures are mentioned. Early focus groups described it as “more honest than usual.”